I only post when I feel down...

Just watched a video from Youtube by Butterworks titled 'In love, again' and I felt sour for a moment. Then it somehow rang a bell in my head that I have a blog which I have not updated since May last year. Wow, that's like 18 months of not blogging. So I started working my brain and realised I only post when I feel down. It's not like I've not been feeling down for the past 18 months. I just did something else instead of blogging them.

Alright, a few updates here. I'm officially a graduate from Deakin University!! who will also continue her Masters degree in Deakin University and.. I'm a member of a professional body too. Well, I am currently unemployed so things aren't going smoothly for me. Technically speaking, I just graduated 3 weeks ago so no stress but I can't wait to gain working experience and earn some moolah... Okay okay, enough ranting about being unemployed. I'm pretty sure I will get a job soon when I come back next year.

Time to move on to my love life. I met a guy named Sxxx on the 16th of May and that was it. The end. LOL!! Sorry, I was just trolling. Nah, it was kind of just that and end of story but we added each other on Facebook like many people do and he started texting me which I replied as usual (I'm the person who responds as soon as I received the messages because I'm forgetful - not sure if he thinks I like him at that time). Occasional texting became a daily thing and going out with him became almost a weekly thing (since I'm a rather quiet and lonely person who studies all the time a.k.a nerd, he became a tiny part of my life). It was just that, I treated him as a friend, just like an older brother because he was older than I am by quite a few years.

But one night, things happens.. I developed feelings for him uncontrollably (well, you know nobody can control such feelings and I have never felt such for so many years so it felt strangely magical). He was perfect at least for me, just the right guy 100% but... things don't happen the way we want to, am I right? And you can't force things to go our way so I continued my life as usual but I was absolutely confused, probably going mental because of his actions and what he said to me. I was like, does he like me or does he not? But I am quite certain he just wanted a fling and not being tied to a relationship.

Both of us have different objectives so we parted, we are not even friends anymore. Surprising, right? Not really. I am totally not the kind of person who will delete someone on Facebook just because I'm done with him. I treasure person to person relationships. Would totally keep the person as a friend even if we don't contact each other often. However, he was the one who deleted me on Facebook. How did I find out? I was doing my revision at the library during exam week and was taking a 5 minute break scrolling through my Facebook profile and noticed the number of friends was reduced by one. I wondered if I remembered the number incorrectly so I scrolled through my friends list and noticed he was not there. The first thought was, maybe there was a technical error. Let me type in his name.

WOW, he deleted me from his friends list. That did not come to my mind when we were having some sort of disagreement. What a dick move. I'm sorry but I'm going to say it. What a 'gentleman'? Yes, he is a gentleman, he is a nice guy but deleting a 'friend' from facebook without even resolving the issue? Not so much of a nice guy after all. He probably never thought of me as friend anyway. Probably just a young girl for him to play with.

I must admit though, that I wasn't myself when I started to have feelings for him. I might have behaved strangely and don't blame him if he thought I was weird but running away from reality just shows he is not mature enough. I kind of tested him a couple of times to see if he is the person who will face an issue or avoiding it. He always chose the latter. That kinds of explain his dick move of deleting me from his friends list because he was not strong enough to resolve the matter with me. It is either that or he just couldn't bother to waste his time to face the shit with me. I have a strong feeling that he just couldn't be bothered to do so.

Oh well, maybe this is my karma for rejecting a number of guys who were after me the past few years. The topic of love is just complicated. When I wanted to enjoy my single life, people fall for me. When I actually like a person, the person doesn't me. I'm going to revert back to my enjoyable single life but when I did that, someone else likes me whom I have no feelings for (did my taichi style of rejecting like a boss ;) I thought to myself, how will I react if I happen to bump into him in the streets? As someone with manners, I guess I'd probably just say Hi and that's it. If we talked, it'll be just normal conversations. If we happen to talk about the past, I might talk about him deleting me. I do thank him for bringing me the joy and happiness for a few months but when the time comes to an end, nothing can stop it. It's just a pity that even the friendship ends too. That's what I'm sour about. He probably has his reasons doing so just as I have my reasons for every thing I say and do. I'm not going to question it, just going to keep this as a memory and a reminder to self not to be so naive.

I'm done with updating... This is just the summary, I'm keeping the bits and details to myself :)

Shall update again whenever my memory tells me I still have an ongoing blog awaiting for my posts-

Updates Again after MIA for 7 months~~

Hey all, how is everyone doing? Update updates.. lol~

1. I didn't transfer to Monash University not because I didn't meet the requirement. I scored way above the minimum requirement. It was just troublesome to obtain a release letter from my uni. It's probably a good thing that I'm staying put. *optimistic*

2. I went home for a 2 week holiday, came back for orientation week and went home again for a week for my beloved sister's wedding. Woohoo!! Happy news!! *felt unsatisfied for the short short holiday though PLUS tonnes of assignments and studies to catch up*

3. Easter Break!! Yeahhhh, baby!! Finally a week for rejuvenation? NOPE. IN YOUR FACE! Not at all. Assignment assignments all the way till June - end of my first semester. Hate it. I do not have the time to study at all.. ggrrrr.. I shall leave the rest of bitching till update number 4. Back to the easter break, I went for a day trip to the Grampians National Park with my friends!! Whheeeeee~~ Happy happy for a day :[

4. Alright, are you ready for the bitching of assignments in my life??? *drum roll* First of all, I have 13 assignments to do this semester of which I had done 8. Awesome isn't it? The best part is that most of these are allocated in such a way that I have one week to do one assignment whether they are big or small. Can you feel the stress I'm having now? One week to do one assignment sometimes two?! It may seem pretty easy for some of you but I can't. I can't focus on two things concurrently. I need to devote my time to only one thing at a time which means I am bad in juggling my time. In such case, I am now officially turning into a human raccoon - I have no idea why racoon but it just pops into my head, just take it as it is...LOL~ My sleeping pattern has changed drastically. I am always sleepy, not focused etc. Most of all, I have no time to study and I am extremely stressed out now because I do not want to fail any unit. I want to do my best but it seems like I am not putting a 100% of effort into what I'm doing now. *sigh* You may think why am I wasting my time now blogging and blabbing about my life when I can use the time to work on my assignments. I will shortly after posting this because I NEED TIME TO RELAX!! Gggrrrr~~ I'm an angry student....

Okay folks, I am done with the blabbing and yapping.. Feeling better now to work my brain off. Yikes~~

Love,
Jessica

In the midst of reaching my goal...

Its week 10 next week!!! I have exactly three more weeks to my finals!! Oh God... I must be able to survive this torment because I have a group assignment that has yet to be completed!! I knew I can't count on them. GGRRRR~~~ I dare say the answers are totally wrong or at least not a report at all! Siighhh... I didn't want to create tension or a big issue among the four of us so I just said thanks to all who did the tasks. I am very honest here saying that I do feel the unjust because I had to redo their work. So basically, I will be producing the whole business report all alone and paste their names on the cover sheet and title page. 2500 words are not a lot but damn.. I do the job and you get the marks??! Arrghhhh!!! Enough complaining for me. I've been complaining since the start of this trimester. I'm going to get a smelly mouth soon. 

Back to the initial topic, I am suddenly lost in how to study... =( I must get at least a WAM of 70% to be able to transfer to Monash University do my desired course. I know I shouldn't doubt myself but somehow my conscience questions myself whether I will be able to achieve this goal. It tells me not to put such high hopes... I know I shouldn't but I need to because I want it so badly. Mum and Dad put all of their hopes on me. I must do well. I must be able to enrol in my dream school and being able to graduate from there. My next goal will be to obtain a scholarship from the university. Then work for a few years here before planning for the next goals... I must get HDs!!! Must get a first class honours degree. If possible with a masters degree as well. And if time and money is not a problem, I will move on to another level of education. A PhD... 

I'm guessing, if I ever see this post a few years later and if I had succeeded the goals, it would be great! But if I had not, I think I'll either laugh at my naiveness for believing I can do it or maybe just regret that I had not tried harder...

Anyway, believe in yourself, Jessica. You can do it. If you believe you can, you can! Don't worry too much. Have confidence in yourself and ignore negative comments from irrelevant people. Don't let the useless words hurt and destroy your future!

I need motivation...

Why do I not have any motivation to do anything? I have left with 5 weeks before my final examinations for this trimester. It feels as of I just started trimester 2. Oh God... What can I do now? I totally lost my confidence for this trimester. Super duper in lack of motivation. Especially after getting my law test results back. Only

50%... Why? Those that I had the confidence to score I got worse result than those that I had none? Why? Is it because I put stress to myself? Me doubting myself? I know I shouldn't. I must believe I can then I will be able to do it. I wouldn't want to make the same mistakes again. I want to score well and enter my dream school. My goal now is to obtain 5 more HDs and being able to transfer to my dream uni to do a double degree. Next will be obtaining a scholarship from my dream uni. I cannot guarantee I will succeed but this is my vision and mission for the time being. I want to prove to everyone that I can do it. I am not lazy or stupid. I am not wasting my parents' money. I must be able to make them proud. Must not disappoint them. I will have a very bright future. I will have a lot of choices. No one will choose me. Just as , ' You will choose the unis not the unis choose you. ' Prove it! Prove you can! Ignore the others. They are your obstacles. Be focused. They are my obstacles. I have to face the challenges. Those that will not kill me makes me stronger. I am getting more matured day by day. Keep this in mind that no one can help me here. Only I can help myself. Pray to God that you will obtain a full offer then all the worries will be gone in January.........

A Very Long Post, Not Very Long Actually. Hmmmmm.. Weird~

Soooo.. Here I am again. After such long time of 'disappearance'. Not really. I do visit my blog occasionally but just never post anything new. I've ran out of ideas and what to write about. Totally have no inspiration or whatever. Things have been dull for me. I become an almost expressionless person these few years. I started the blog in 2008 because of my sister who was then preparing to go to UK to further her studies. We update each other through blog. Oh well, at least she did that. I didn't really updated myself apart from random sad or rather depressing love stories. 
  Don't know why I just love to write really tragic, depressing love stories. Probably mad. LOL. Then I stopped posting for quite some time I guess. Probably a year later when I posted only one about how worried I was for a major examination. I did quite well in that examination if you are wondering how I did. Then, I never posted again if I'm not wrong. I can't be bothered to open a new tab [Oh god fire alarm again!]. Oops.. I apologise on that section. The fire alarm from my hostel went off. As I was saying, I can't be bothered to open a new tab and search what I posted in the last 5 years or so because it is already 2.13AM here in Melbourne. 
  Lets fast forward a little further.. I completed secondary school up to Year 11 then move on to Year 12 which is the A-Levels of CIE syllabus. I went into the science stream and that one and a half year was the happiest moment of my life. I had great friends and memories there. The had moved to the new site though. Such a pity that I didn't get to visit the teachers before I came back to Melbourne. I didn't do very well in A'Levels. I gave up on science actually though my heart stills tickle whenever someone is to talk about science. So I opted to go on a business path. Most of my family members majored in Business and Law. So I thought why don't I try the Business and Law faculty. Since my family did well in this faculty, maybe I am destined to further my studies in this. So, indeed I enrolled myself to a university in Melbourne pursuing Bachelor of Commerce majoring in Accounting and Finance. I wouldn't mind pursuing a double degree including Law but unfortunately the law degree offered in my uni is unrecognised in my own country. The only way I could transfer to a valid course is to transfer uni as well and that takes up a hell lot of time, money and effort. Besides that, I will need to score a WAM of above 85%. Madness~~
  Then, I thought maybe not. I should just focus on further studies to be a chartered accountant instead. Oh yeah! Money Money Money. Who doesn't love money, right? But I am very ambitious. I want at least an honour degree and an MBA. PhD is optional though. To achieve that, I need to go step by step. Need above 65%. Should be alright I suppose. Hopefully.. Pray to God. You got to help me with this. Please give me the strength to move on and strive for the better. Thank you, God!
   Sorry.. Got lost track again. So yeah.. That's about it I suppose. Basically that's what I did and where was I in the past few years. Very briefly though. I once had all the attention I wanted and now I'm just a lonely bird flying away from home to look for food. Food for itself and to bring the food back to its clan and make them proud. However, the amount of food that this little bird has to take to way too much because it has no friends to help share the burden of food. And that's me now. I have no friends except one very good neighbour. We spend most of our time together. She's a very good person but sometimes can be quite blur. I hate the uni mates. They are of no fun. They have their own friends and does activities that I can't join. Therefore, isolating myself from them. Such a lonely I am. But I shall endure because I want to succeed. I want to show them that hard work is everything. Nobody wants to look back at uni life and regret. Thats what my sister told me. I dont want that to happen to me. I shall not regret for whatever I did in my life. Being regret is the worst thing could ever happen in someone's life. That person will never live happily. Endure, Jessica. Endure the pain now. No pain no gain. Every successful person would have went through much more than you are now. If you want to be successful, face the challenge! It is also a word to everyone that you should face any challenge bravely in order to overcome it for it will embrace you if you do not. Every person has to go through challenges at some point of his/her life. No one can escape it. It is what that shapes us into we are now. Have a goooood weekend peeps!! Love all of you! <3 font="">
Cheers...

#hypocrites #feelingold #complains

Feeling old.... Just hate socialising nowadays. Imma turtle wannabe now because recently, I have been meeting people who does not click with me or rather, I do not have the umph to click with them. I know its a big world out there but for me some people are the just behaving weird. Just not the type of people I met in my social circle. People I used to meet have really good manners as in table manners or even when socialising. I guess I am just not getting used to the diversity of people over here just yet which I do not really understand why someone would be that rude to insult the other party even when the other was not wrong! Is it even wrong to say that she does not understand you because you were speaking so softly = mumbling? And, I also do not understand why most of the people I got to know here are soooooooooo nosy!! Oh, come on. Just leave the poor people alone and lead their own private life. Why would you talk behind people's back when it has nothing to do with you? Then pretend that you were not involved in complicating the issue or even created an issue that should not even exist! Get a life! Even an eighty year old grandma does not gossip like that yet a group of 20-30 year olds does that! A bunch of hypocrites!!!

The Clock Is Ticking!!!!

The clock is ticking!!! Exactly 7 hours 50 minutes to go!! I'm so damn nervous. Sorry about the D*** word. I was totally freaking out since last night. Never had a good night's sleep at all. Feeling lethargic. Had a long nap in the evening definitely helped a lot. Planned not to sleep the whole night since I'll be tossing and turning in the bed after all. So now, I'm just blogging around spending my 7 plus hours or so waiting for the precious, life changing moment. Don't think I would be able to stand such long hours blogging though.Coz I hafta sleep early tonight!!! Sigh, ruined my plan. Was trying my luck to get access to the result centre and " wa lah" I did it!! Having to struggle about 10 to 20 minutes or so waiting for it to load really makes my heart burn with raging fire. Wonder how I will feel the moment I press the enter button to load my results. Urgghhh, its killing me. I know, there's nothing I could do to change the outcome of the result. Just be positive, right? I've done my best. Just face it with courage and accept the fact that this will be your label for life! It's easy to say, it's definitely difficult to be done. I know I have an extremely low self confidence. It's really hard for me to stay really positive but I tried and still trying. Anyway, I really have to sleep now. Mom's ordering me to sleep!!! Chao! Wish me luck!! Good night. *muax*